by Cheryl DePaolo
realized I had not run the dishwasher, folded laundry, or dusted in weeks. My daughter had gone to school in
dirty gym pants. My husband had kept things running as best he could, and he never complained, not once.
Thank you, Fred. I love you.
I looked around and began to count the cost:
My daughters cling to me now. Grace, who has always separated from me easily, wants to be with me every
minute and sleeps with me when her Dad is at the firehouse. Liz, who had started staying in Kid's Church
and Brownies without me, will no longer go.
A week of panic attacks. Oddly, these were related to an abusive work situation and not to the attacks. I had
rejected suggestions that they were somehow related to the attacks. A recurrence at the 6-month
anniversary of the attacks forced me to admit that there was a connection.
I quit my job. Suddenly the dishonesty, the sloppy ethics, and the verbal abuse were no longer tolerable. I
became more vocal in my confrontations with management until I had to leave. I knew I had to come home
with a sense of peace at the end of the day.
My business partner and I decided to sell our Sand Art business. For several summers we had worked most
weekends, enjoying our time together and trying to make a bit of money on the side. We agreed it was time
to let it go. Time with family mattered more.
Insomnia. Weight gain. Headaches. Asthma attacks. Questions for myself about why I went and why I wrote
about it. What did it mean about me? How much was selfless and how much was prideful?
I have a few things from my time in the city. The Salvation Army shield I put in my windshield in order to fly
down the West Side Highway in the reserved lane. My Red Zone Pass, a map of the site, a can of Red Bull,
the pictures Luis gave us, the card from Ground Zero AA. Not much else. I have no rubble; I felt indignant
with those who had pocketed pebbles. I have no pictures taken surreptitiously.
The cost was not high. Not high at all compared to those who lost loved ones, jobs, their health, or their
homes. There was a cost, but I had chosen to go. I am here, with my family intact, in a better job, with a
deeper faith in God and a renewed sense of his never-ending love.
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